There is some great funny stuff that makes the rounds on the Internet. Occasionally, some of it is both clean and about the computer world. When we find those rare gems, we will print them here for everyone's enjoyment.

The authors of these pieces are generally unknown and reach us as a forward of a forwarded message. We would be pleased to identify and credit any original author who sees his or her work (and wants the world to know who he or she is).

Microsoft Buys US Government
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 24, 2000 - In direct response to losing its suit to the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corporation announced today that it would acquire the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth," said Microsoft chairman Steve Ballmer. "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone."

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the Oval Office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal." The United States will be managed as a wholly- owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 2001 at latest," according to Ballmer.

In a related announcement, President Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates.

When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record," and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence." Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly," though he did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy," he observed, "and look how well we're doing."

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place." Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens can expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft: Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed to make it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States: Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is now a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

The pilot said, "Don't worry" and very gradually let the helicopter down until it was hovering opposite the window of a large, unidentifiable building. The pilot motioned to a woman in the building to open her window and asked her, "Where are we?" The woman responded, "You are in a helicopter."

The pilot immediately lifted the helicopter above the building tops, flew a mile and a half, let it down through the fog, and hit the landing pad dead center. The amazed and relieved passenger said, "How on earth did you do that?" The pilot said: "It was simple. The information the woman gave me was perfectly accurate and utterly useless. I knew that she had to be working at the Microsoft Customer Support Center."

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask, "What is the registration number of the light bulb?," one to ask, "Have you tried rebooting it?," another to ask, "Have you tried reinstalling it?," and the last one to say, "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

The Man from Microsoft

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. "Not you again," I said.

"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."

Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows NEW operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows NEW was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows NEW. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"No," I said.

"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows NEW from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."

"Not interested," I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."

"Well, no," the Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."

"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "And certainly, not everyone has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no USE for Windows NEW."

The Microsoft man looked perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.

"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"

"Well, I don't know anything about this ‘use’ thing you're going on about," the Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."

"People without computers?"

"Got 'em."

"Amazonian Indians?"

"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."

"The Amish."

"Check."

"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"

"We told them there were actually 2000 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."

"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"

"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."

"No."

"Oh, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.

"No," I said again. "No offense, pal, but I don't NEED it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system. Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."

"It did."

"Pardon?"

"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."

"Go away," I said.

"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."

"You have got to be kidding," I said.

"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the Amish. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsylvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing to the company. It's embarrassing to the product. It's embarrassing to Bill."

""Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.

"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of gray ash."

"He wouldn't do that," I said. "He might hit that copy of Windows NEW by accident."

"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows NEW, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"

"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."

"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.

"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows NEW, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

"'Windows NEW.FFr Pets'?!?!?"

"here's a LOT of domestic animals out there,"he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.