Having discovered that Microsoft Bob was the turning point for the Sacramento PC Users Group, it seems appropriate to run some Microsoft Bob jokes. Microsoft Bob was a product introduced by Microsoft in 1995, and was intended to help computer novices. It featured a "friendly face" and was a complete flop. Think of Clippy, the irritating animated paperclip found in Microsoft Office, as Bob’s son.
Microsoft Tester Dies Tragically At Hands Of "Pal"
REDMOND, Wash.–The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally murdered in an apparent psychotic tirade by one of the "personalities" of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program, Bob. In the small hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly" coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a swath of destruction through the hapless worker's office and into the accompanying hallway.
The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon failing to produce a valid Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things. Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's touch-and-go right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the immensity of what he's done."
Eyewitnesses say they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide screaming, "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality, "This is just terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a little high-strung, but I can't believe he would do something like this. I think we need to seriously reexamine the stress that the Bob Personality group is under so that another such incident doesn't occur."
A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt to quit smoking as a requirement of his contract. Lawyers are examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory hiring statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached for comment, but an undisclosed source asserted, "We couldn't have him puffing away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the market."
Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.
Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies
REDMOND, Wash.–January 4, 1995–In response to customer inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob™, its new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named "Bob" immediately select new first names.
"I don't know where these rumors come from," commented Steve Ballmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support. "It's ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer industry to change their names. We won't, and our licensing policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the Justice Department could never question them."
Ballmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low cost.
The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName™, offers persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option of doing so, on payment of a small monthly licensing fee. Also required is signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an added bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display the Windows 95 logo on their bodies.
Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day grace period during which they can select another, related name. "We're being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark," said Bill Newkom, Microsoft's Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate Affairs. "People are still free to call themselves Robert, Robby, or even Rob. Bobby however is derivative of Microsoft's trademark and obviously can't be allowed."
Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed on his forehead.
