Like many people, you felt that computers were so smart and complicated that they were beyond your capabilities. However, it would be nice to send and receive E-mail as many of your friends do. You could join the chat room crowd!

If only you could keep track of your checking account with a computer and print out your checks and even print envelopes to mail them in. Suzie does, and resolves her account each month in 5 minutes while you spend hours tracking down a 33-cent error. You learned to drive a car didn't you? But cars aren't complicated like computers. However, it would also be nice to be able to write letters on a computer and keep a record of what you wrote.

Your friend George sent out a real long and important business letter that got lost either in the postal system or at the destination. Since he did it on his computer, he was able to send it a second time without the pains of composing it again from scratch. Shirley not only keeps her checkbook on her computer but she even uses it to keep track of her credit cards and her investments. That would be great! Cousin Bill uses his computer at Christmas time to write out a Christmas letter to include with his Christmas cards. He even prints out self-designed Christmas looking address and return address labels for the cards - say bye-bye to writers' cramp. You know you're at least as smart, if not smarter, than Suzy, George and Shirley. Even that dumb blonde down the street uses a computer. If these people can, so can you!

OK, so you finally decided to bite the bullet and get one of the things. What do you do next? Well, you go out and buy the computer, of course. I know it isn't as simple as I make it sound. You see an ad in a magazine that looks good to you. You dial the 800 number and you get a nerd on the line that tries to impress you by talking to you in bits, bytes and other words you've never heard of before. Some nerds find it impossible to get their speech down to the level of a novice (I think they hire the same people to write the technical manuals). Hang up and dial that number again. More than likely you will get a different sales person and, hopefully, one that understands and makes sense to a novice.

I maintain, however, that a novice is better off shopping in a local computer store. Local stores will be there for you long after your purchase when you need help or have questions. Believe me, when I say that getting long distance technical help is no fun. First you dial a toll-free number (more and more are changing to toll numbers). After you dial the number an, oh so-sweet, voice asks you if you want "this-n-that," press 1, if you want "that-n-thus," press 2, etc., for 5 or 6 often confusing choices. After you press what you think is the right choice, you are then asked to make one of 4 or 5 more choices.

Finally, a charming voice tells you how important your call is to them and please hold for the next available technician (if your call were so damn important to them they would have more people working to eliminate any wait). After a too-long wait, you get a technician on the line. After you explain your problem, the technician informs you that it is not his area of expertise and to please redial the original number selecting choice 3 instead of choice 4. This really tries your patience and, if it's a toll call, it bends your wallet too.

Take my advice and buy your first computer locally. Walk into your friendly computer store and ask to speak with the manager. Be frank and tell him or her that you are a beginner interested in purchasing a computer and need to talk to someone who won't overwhelm you with unfamiliar jargon. Chances are the manager, who doesn't work for a commission, will spend time with you to see that you get started in the right direction at a reasonable price.

Your best bet, without doubt, is in locating a local computer users group asking a member or a fellow worker who knows computers to go shopping with you (paying for a lunch for two after your purchase might be one of your better investments). As a beginner, you do not need a computer with all of the bells and whistles. One in the $600 to $900 range will do fine as long as it is expandable when experience shows a need to add some of those bells and whistles.

Don't waste money on a super speaker system. If you want great music get a radio for your computer room. It will give you the news as well as music. Personally, I don't like either, as music and news disturbs the concentration I need to work on my computer projects.

I would recommend a flat LCD monitor. The prices are coming down, they have less glare, they are crisp and clear and they will fit up against a wall. The screen of a regular 18-inch CRT monitor, with your desk against a wall, will practically be in your lap.

You can get a decent inkjet printer for around $100. Here I would recommend a photo printer. A photo printer will print graphics and text as well as photos whereas a text and graphics printer might not give the best results when printing photos. To be sure, sooner or later you will want to print photos. Get a scanner after you have worked with your computer, providing you discover a compelling need for one.

All computers will come with some software. It will include an operating system. The operating system is a series of programs that make the computer fire up and get ready for action when you turn it on. I like Windows XP Home Edition, which also includes Microsoft Network (MSN) and free Hotmail for your E-mail as opposed to Apple, or more complicated ones. You might also want software for managing your finances - I would recommend either Quicken or Microsoft Money. If you can talk the store manager out of WordPerfect Office Suite as part of the deal, it will take care of your word processing, spreadsheet and graphics needs. If it is included, take it and run and worry about spreadsheets and graphics later. If it isn't included, at least negotiate for a word processing program like Microsoft Word. While it has a multitude of complex features, it also accommodates the novice. As you slowly learn Microsoft Word, you can do more and more with its features.

The store might be willing to deliver your computer and set it up for you. If the store doesn't do that, get that friend that went shopping with you to set it up. That lunch you bought him during the shopping trip might also make him willing to help you get started (after all everyone knows that there is no such thing as a free lunch). Many stores have training sessions to help you learn how to use computers and associated software. If there are such sessions, take advantage of them. During your negotiations, you might arrange for this training to be free or at a reduced price. It never hurts to ask.

Remember this! Computers are stupid and will only do what you and the software tell them to do. Computers are extremely patient, so there is no need to be compulsive and rapidly do the wrong thing. Always think things out before you get into a jam. Computers are ultra fast and can store a room full of data on its hard disk -- therein lies their reason for being. However, if you do get into a jam and your computer locks up, don't panic. Just push the reset button, reboot your computer relax and start again. And my final recommendation is: if you are a dummy like me, there are a lot of useful books in the Dummy series written by people who can get down to the beginners level. If you buy good books you must read them, read them, read them. If I sound like a broken record, I intend to. You cannot transfer by osmosis all of the good information contained in them by sitting on them.