Because Microsoft is so big, it is inevitable that it would get picked as a subject of April Fool’s jokes. I came up with one myself that I launched on the officers. (It did not work as well as I hoped. I need to find a new target audience.) I was somewhat surprised when I found out that there were others who had the same thoughts. Here are the press releases and announcements that I found (or created). Some of these caused the desired reaction on the newsgroups and got several panic responses until someone reminded folks of the day.


April 1, 1999
Microsoft acquires Linux operating system
Linux software to be renamed Microsoft Windows LX Server

Redmond, WA—Microsoft recently announced that it has acquired Linux.org, maker of the Linux operating system. This technology is an operating system based upon UNIX and used for many of the same applications as the Microsoft Windows NT Server multipurpose server operating system. The software has a smaller footprint and is less demanding on hardware. This allows customers to get many more years use from their hardware investment.
    "We are excited to extend our capabilities with this acquisition so that many more Microsoft customers can benefit from this technology," said Jim Allchin, senior vice president of the personal and business systems group at Microsoft. "Microsoft is also pleased to add key personnel from Linux.org to the Microsoft Windows NT Server team."
    The Linux technology, which Microsoft will rename Microsoft Windows LX Server, will complement the existing capabilities of Windows NT Server, Enterprise Edition. Microsoft.com and MSN.com, which have received some of highest traffic volumes on the Web, are good examples of sites that have been running on Linux for years. Thanks to the Linux technology, Microsoft keeps its service availability levels for these sites higher than 99 percent.
    "People have been confused by the free distribution of Linux for years," said Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft. "We know from experience that people prefer to actually pay for their software and upgrades." As a result, Microsoft will end the policy of open source code and discontinue all existing Linux distribution channels.
    "Microsoft and Linux.org share the same vision of providing our customers with unparalleled levels of scalability and high availability through clustering technology," said Linus Torvalds, creator of Linux. "We're very pleased that, as part of Microsoft product offerings, our technology will now benefit a much wider group of customers." Those feelings are undoubtedly balanced on the customer's side as well.
    Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers. The company offers a wide range of products and services for business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing every day.

(Microsoft is either a registered trademark or trademark of Microsoft Corp. in the United States and/or other countries.)

Microsoft Conducts Nuclear Tests
By Sonikku_a robertpet@earthlink.net

REDMOND (BNN)—World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 a.m. PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 p.m. EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over a possible antitrust settlement. "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government," he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
    Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer," explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover. "At first, I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
    In Washington, President Clinton announced the U.S. government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
    Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the U.S. government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems.
    "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a thermonuclear warhead inside of every Pentium III microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
    The existence of an thermonuclear warhead in each Pentium III microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power," said Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispel those stories about cold fusion."
    Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time."


LINUX EXPOSED AS COMMUNIST PLOT!  
By madnomad@cybrtyme.com (Mad Nomad)

The truth can now be told. During the 1980s, a covert project occupied the minds of high-level KGB and Politburo officials in the former USSR (that's "CCCP" to those of you who watched those old propaganda films.) The space program, economic reforms, and Afghanistan invasion were mere stunts to divert the world's attention from the Soviets' true goal—the creation of the ultimate PC operating system. The Communists touted America's efforts with GEM and OS/2 as evidence of capitalist corruption. But one American achievement proved a constant embarrassment to the Commies: The success of Microsoft's Paul Allen who, along with his junior cofounder, developed Windows 1.0, and then Windows 2.0, and then Windows 286, and then Windows 386, and then Windows 3.0, and then Windows 3.1, and then Windows 3.11, and then Windows for Workgroups, and then—well, you get the picture.
    The Communist old guard, however, seeded their program with undue complexity when they condemned the use of the desktop metaphor as decadent and bourgeois. They insisted instead on the use of certain carpentry and farm implements as the metaphor of the "OS of the Revolution." As the Kremlin poured more and more money into the operating system race, Soviet society began to feel the strain. Unable to keep pace with the fervent rate of capitalist upgrades, the USSR collapsed and disbanded. Finally, in 1991, the Communist Party itself lost power over its last hangout, Russia. The Collective Bureau In Charge Of Revolutionary Operating System Victory, formerly known as the CBICOROSV, persisted. They changed their name to the Grand New Usurpers, or GNU, and went underground. An unrelenting investigation into this cabal has revealed their location and terrible purpose. From a short list of nations which had somewhat tolerated the USSR, they chose an inconspicuous country, Finland, apparently after an all-night session of drinking Finlandia vodka and listening to Sibelius' "Finlandia" on a scratchy old phonograph. Headquartered out of sight, they finalized their plans for revolution. With preparations complete, later in 1991, shortly after the GNU had disappeared from view, a young Finnish collaborator smuggled the ten-year effort of the group to the masses via the Internet. That student subversive used the unlikely alias "Linus Torvalds," but we have learned that his real name is "Linus Torvalds."
    To his comrades on the Internet, however, he is known simply as "Linus Torvalds." We won't say he's boring, but...
    This operating system, called "Linux" (after a popular brand of Finnish vacuum cleaner) by the group's misguided propagandists, proved as cool and unperturbable as the nature of its adopted country. The symbol for its GUI, X-Windows, is, after all, simply the Finnish flag rotated 45 degrees. The GNU's adoption of the penguin as a trademark, however, betrays their true depravity. The penguin, a ferocious flightless bird of the Antarctic, is considered an extremely dangerous predator by all ornithologists.
    After its release, the GNU quickly seized the moment, distributing Linux to its many cells around the world, until now its partisans number in the hundreds of millions (well, OK, our espionage may be a little shaky here.) These fanatics, armed with the digital equivalent of Mikhail Kalishnikov's Model 47, have pushed their revolution from the alleys and gutters to the very doors of capitalism. Supported by the people, they are now on the march northwest. Reports from Seattle, that city of the Lotus-eaters, state that gunfire can be heard just outside the city limits. It's time for the American public to WAKE UP.
    On this great national holiday, do your part for God, Country, the American Flag, and Windows NT 3.5 and Windows NT 3.51 and Windows NT 4.0 and Windows 95 and Windows 98 and—well, you get the picture. Send me lots and lots of money so I can get this VITAL message out to an unsuspecting public. It's the American way! No checks, please.

Mad Nomad (madnomad@cybrtyme.com)

April 1, 1999
Microsoft Announces MS-Linux "TURBO1010"  
The flexible "grassroots" operating system, now with the quality and enterprise-level service and support customers expect from Microsoft.

REDMOND, Wash., April 1 /PRNewswire/—Microsoft Corporation today announced the forthcoming release of MS-Linux, a new version of the well-known Linux operating system designed for the enterprise.
    "Prior to the development of MS-Linux, enterprise customers wouldn't dream of deploying mission-critical applications on an unsupported operating system," said Jim Allchin, senior vice president of Microsoft's personal and business systems group. "All that has now changed."

Maximum compatibility and performance
While other versions of Linux offer a variety of immature and largely incompatible windowing environments, MS-Linux includes an implementation of the familiar Microsoft Windows desktop, minimizing corporate training costs and allowing the hundreds of millions of Windows users worldwide to be productive right away.
    MS-Linux provides a complete implementation of the Win32 API, enabling many of the thousands of applications written for the Microsoft Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows NT, and Windows 2000 operating systems to run unchanged on MS-Linux. Microsoft will offer support for future releases of the Microsoft Office suite of productivity applications and the BackOffice family of server products running on MS-Linux. In addition, many existing MS-DOS and SCO Unix programs will run on MS-Linux without modification. Benchmark tests performed by independent laboratories have shown that MS-Linux is the world's fastest Windows file server.

A groundswell of support from industry
A number of leading development tool vendors will announce support for MS-Linux, including Bristol Technology Inc., Compuware Corp., Cygnus Solutions, Fujitsu Microelectronics Inc., Intel Corp., Metrowerks Inc., Rational Software Corp., Sybase Inc., and Tower Technology.
    "The new Linux distribution from Microsoft gives the operating system the credibility it needs to gain a foothold in organizations where it has never gone before," said Jon Hall, Executive Director of Linux International, a non-profit Linux advocacy organization. Microsoft will become a corporate member of Linux International, and will make a substantial donation of funds and equipment to the organization. "Linux International looks forward to working with Microsoft for the benefit of current and future Linux users," added Hall.
    According to VA Research President and CEO Larry Augustin, "VA Research is delighted that Microsoft is entering the fast-growing market for computers powered by Linux." VA Research has announced plans to bundle MS-Linux and selected Microsoft Office and BackOffice products with its powerful server, workstation, and laptop computers. VA Research has also agreed to make Microsoft its exclusive supplier of Linux-based operating systems going forward. "Having the Office and BackOffice suites running on computers from VA Research will give us a huge advantage in the marketplace," said Augustin.
    Microsoft has engaged well-known author and programmer Eric S. Raymond to advise the company on certain intellectual property issues related to Linux. Raymond's paper "The Cathedral of the Bizarre" was a key factor in Microsoft's decision to develop a Linux product. "While Microsoft will not immediately release the source code for its version of Linux, the company has promised to do so eventually," said Raymond. "That's good enough for me."
    "The Linux community and Microsoft are a great fit," says Linus Torvalds, creator of Linux. "After all, we both have the same goal, which is total world domination."
    Separately, Microsoft has announced the opening of a new recruiting center in Research Triangle Park, North Carolina. "Microsoft is always looking for talented individuals to join our team," said Mike Murray, Microsoft's vice president of human resources and administration. "We often recruit in communities that are expected to have significant numbers of folks looking for work in the near future."

Pricing and availability
Microsoft expects to release English and international versions of MS-Linux Version 3.1 for Intel- and RISC-based computers on or before April 1, 2000. Pricing has not been announced.

About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers. The company offers a wide range of products and services, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable to take advantage of people using personal computers every day.
    Microsoft, Windows, Windows NT, Win32, BackOffice, MS-Linux, and Linux are either registered trademarks or trademarks of Microsoft Corp. in the United States and/or other countries. Other product and company names herein may be trademarks of their respective owners.


Torvalds to develop Microsoft's next operating system
By daemonspawn@my-dejanews.com

Linus Torvalds, the creator of upstart operating system Linux, will head a new division within Microsoft to develop a version of Linux to replace Windows 2000.
    Information contained in a Microsoft memo leaked to The Age indicated that the third beta version of Windows 2000 had been held back pending a decision to scrap the operating system entirely.
    Coming just after it announced a massive reorganization into new business groups, the decision marks the most significant about-face the company has engaged in since it adopted the Internet. Insiders say Microsoft will move rapidly to an open source business model, possibly by the end of the year.
    Torvalds, who has been working for the last year for Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen on a top-secret processor chip, has reportedly also been paid US$357 million in stock and cash for the rights to use the Linux trademark.


Settle Down! Microsoft & DOJ Reach Agreement
by Adam C. Engst, ace@tidbits.com

In a surprise ending to the long-running Microsoft antitrust trial (see Matt Deatherage's "Who Do You Antitrust" articles in TidBITS-455_ and TidBITS-456_), the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) and Microsoft jointly announced a settlement today.

http://db.tidbits.com/getbits.acgi?tbart=05175
http://db.tidbits.com/getbits.acgi?tbart=05185

Although the full terms of the settlement have not yet been made available, the main strokes of the agreement are clear. In exchange for the DOJ and the 19 states dropping their antitrust suits, Microsoft has agreed to "perform 2.1 billion hours of community service." The terms were initially confusing, since Microsoft headquarters are located in the upscale Seattle suburb of Redmond, Washington, but it turns out that both "community" and "service" have innovative definitions.
    The DOJ's definition of community for the purposes of the settlement is "the worldwide community of individuals and corporations using Microsoft operating systems released since 23-Aug-95." That the DOJ would identify such a large and amorphous group as a community is stunning, but the implications of the definition of service are equally amazing. According to the DOJ, service is "technical support for any computer software product that operates under eligible operating systems." In short, Microsoft must now provide free (and toll-free!) technical support for any Windows application. It's not yet clear if Windows CE and Windows NT are included in the settlement.
    Representatives of the 19 states involved in the antitrust suit also pushed for specific wording that would address additional problems. The terms of the settlement call for Microsoft to hire and train existing welfare recipients in those states to make up at least 65 percent of the total technical support staff necessary to handle the increased call volume. Plus, Microsoft has the choice of either installing satellite campuses around the country or helping to beef up the existing telecommunications infrastructure so these people can telecommute.
    **Microsoft Assistance**—Microsoft's vaunted public relations team quickly moved to put the best possible face on the settlement, dubbing it "Microsoft Assistance," and suggesting that the idea originated with Microsoft chairman and co-founder Bill Gates. "The proposal surfaced only after Bill went to Washington," said a Microsoft spokesperson. "We've always said that we want to provide the best possible experience for our users, and the research that led to Microsoft Bob also suggested that people learn best when interacting with other people."

http://www.microsoft.com/assistance/

In a ceremony in Seattle, Microsoft president Steve Ballmer dedicated the new Microsoft Assistance program to the memory of the late industry writer Cary Lu. Ballmer recalled a meeting at which he'd announced the hiring of 1,500 additional technical support representatives and Cary had asked if Microsoft anticipated a time those positions would be unnecessary because Microsoft's software didn't require as much support. Ballmer noted, "I finally have an answer for Mr. Lu. In my role as president of Microsoft—and Bill agrees with me on this—I can categorically state that every product team at Microsoft now has the goal of totally eliminating the need for technical support."

http://db.tidbits.com/getbits.acgi?tbart=04169

**Implications**—The implications of the agreement reverberated around the computer world. Quick-witted companies developing Windows products immediately announced plans to release their beta software for sale. On a more human note, many tech support departments will apparently be laid off, although support technicians we spoke with felt they could get jobs with Microsoft, whose stock options are preferable anyway.
    The big loser in the settlement would seem to be Apple Computer, which has long made much of the fact that Macs require less support than PCs running Windows. With technical support being free for all Windows users, there's less incentive to buy a Macintosh based on lower support requirements. Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, looking uncharacteristically stunned, tried to make light of the situation, joking that at least when you called Apple for technical support, you won't have to listen to screaming kids in the background.
    Wall Street had feared more significant damage to Microsoft based on the company's surprisingly inept defense during the antitrust trial. So when the settlement was announced, investors reacted predictably, driving Microsoft stock to a new high and thus officially increasing Bill Gates's net worth to over $100 billion. Charles Schwab analyst Makim Richer commented, "What we have here is in many ways a joint project between the U.S. federal government, 19 state governments, and the most successful software company ever. No matter how you look at it, it's a win-win deal for Microsoft, the American people, and the world."
    **Enter Winux**—Also today, Microsoft said that it plans to release its Microsoft Office suite of applications for Linux, the popular open-source Unix variant that has offered significant competition for Windows NT. A Microsoft spokesperson said that the company is committed to serving its users, particularly those for whom it doesn't have to perform free support. And in a speech from Washington, D.C., where Microsoft chairman Bill Gates was personally negotiating the terms of the settlement, Gates also noted that although Windows 2000 remains on schedule for release in the second quarter of 2001, Microsoft plans a new operating system, called Winux. According to Gates, Winux "gives our users the stability and performance we all admire in Linux, along with the friendly interface of Microsoft Windows." After showing a videotaped demonstration of icons moving around on a reputed Winux desktop and a wizard that helped users recompile their kernels, Gates was careful to point out that Winux is not Windows and thus won't fall under the terms of the settlement.

The Last Straw
The ultimate story can be found can be found at http://w3.one.net/~sunlion/linuxriot.html